terça-feira, 3 de janeiro de 2012

4 - 18

Men heap together the mistakes of their lives, and create a monster they call Destiny. - by Hobbes, John Oliver.

sexta-feira, 9 de setembro de 2011

O Melhor do Craiglist.org

Nunca tinha entrado no craiglist. Falando sério, tinha apenas uma vaga idéia do que craiglist significava. Shame on me. Ai, numa ridiculously boring night in Bamboo town, decido entrar pra ver qualé e me deparo com esses dois textos aí embaixo. Quase tenho uma convulsão de tanto rir.

Dois comentários:

1. Bus Boyfriend's gal, I know how you feel. I do too tend to fall for random guys outta nowhere, just for the sake of it - a good smell, a nice smile, a freakish intelligence. Great sense of humor is a kicker too.

2. Man, you have a room in South Brazil. Pretty FUCKING great, huh?

1. Bus boyfriend..I want to smell you again

This was months ago. April, maybe May. We only rode the bus together three times, only two times sitting together. The second I saw you, I smiled brightly, because you looked so nice. You were getting on the number 11 at the Lake Washington bus stop, at 9:35 on a Wednesday, heading downtown. You were one of the few people getting on the bus who had not immediately put out a cigarette or a crack pipe. You looked like the average super-casual tech worker or student. You saw me smiling at you, and your face sort of lit up. 

You had a soul-patch-triangle-hairy-thing under your bottom lip, which I will normally not tolerate on white men, but you made it work. You wore drab grayish-blue clothes that were slightly baggy. I had chin-length brown hair and cute sunglasses. I was holding a cup of coffee that, true to Starbucks tradition, kept spouting forth like a caffeinated geyser from the tiny sippy hole in the top, scalding my hands as I attempted in vain to dry off with a flimsy recycled paper napkin. 

You sat next to me. There was genuine sexual tension, which is rare in Seattle, and even rarer on the bus. You smelled REALLY, REALLY good. I didn't make eye contact, although I took off my sunglasses so that you wouldn't think I looked like a spy. I might have turned down my Shuffle so you wouldn't know that I was listening to Mr. Mister. I didn't make conversation. I just smelled you the whole way downtown. 

What was that glorious smell? It wasn't colonge. I have bought colonge for men before, and they don't make men's cologne that smells like this. Was it soap? Laundry detergent? A particularly wonderful brand of fabric softener and/or dryer sheet? I have searched in vain for the scent since meeting you. I want to douse the rest of the bus riders with it. Hell, I'd spray it all over my Shih Tzu if I could distill it. It was sweet, soft, but not girly. It was clean but not chlorine-y. 

The next Wednesday, you got on the bus, and you sat next to me. Deliberately. There were dozens of empty seats on the bus, but you chose to sit down next to me. I blushed. You blushed. You smelled even better. You took out a book and pretended to read it. That book everyone is reading, The Kite Flyer or the Flying Kite or something by someone with an Iranian/Afghani/Middle Eastern name. Khaled. Ahmed. Whatever. I nervously asked you about the book. I think I made a really stupid comment about how I can't read on the bus because I get car sick. This must have turned you on. You tried to explain the plot of the book, and you spoke very slowly and not particularly lucidly, in direct contrast to my high-pitched but enunciated prattling. 

It was clear, probably to both of us, but certainly to me, that we were not romantically suited for each other. Nor was there any intellectual chemistry. It was clear as crystal. I had at the time, and still have to this day, a boyfriend that I really love. Chances are, you have a girlfriend who rocks your world. I didn't want to do anything to mess that up. 

I actually went home and told my boyfriend about you. I called you my Bus Boyfriend. I normally don't tell my boyfriend about random men who want to hit on me but who, true to the Seattle way of life, don't bother. But I told him about you because I wanted him to be aware that other, completely random men occasionally want to be physically close to me, because this is something that even jealous boyfriends are often prone to forgetting. You probably know, Bus Boyfriend, what it's like when you're with a girl for a couple years. If you know she's faithful, you start thinking, "Hey, I'm the only one who has access to this poon..." Then you start thinking, "Hey, no one else really thinks about this woman but me." 

My boyfriend took notice when I told him about you; he felt the slight threat that was implicit in our public transportation liaisons, as incredibly platonic as they may have been. He fucked me really hard for a couple of weeks, realizing that he was damn fortunate to have access to this poon. 

The last Wednesday I saw you, I noticed you too late. It was a bad morning for me, Bus Boyfriend. I arrived at the bus stop before having that necessary first cup of coffee. The weather was foggy. So was my brain. You got on the bus, and chances are you looked to see if our eyes would meet, because I felt a pair of eyes burning a whole in the side of my face. By the time I was jolted out of my reverie by your smell wafting by, you had passed by and had seated yourself farther back. 

For one entire stop I contemplated getting up and sitting next to you. Then a gigantic man with an apparent allergy to soap wedged me in against the window, and it was all I could do to keep from straining my neck while looking back at you and hoping that you would at least get up and stand behind me, so I could smell something besides the 300-pound armpit pushing up against my cheek. 

Then, after that, nothing. I never saw you on the bus again. I never got to inhale your pleasant scent again (Tide? Cheer? Bounce? Something from Trader Joe's?). I smelled a variety of other, less desirable scents that other passengers had coated themselves in - urine, B.O., cigar smoke, booze-breath, copious amounts of Chanel 5 - sometimes individuallly, occasionally all at once. Do you KNOW how many people are drunk when they get on the bus, Bus Boyfriend? On the number 11 through downtown Seattle, 10% of the passengers are intoxicated, and they smell like it. And they sit next to me, Bus Boyfriend. Like you used to sit, only significanly closer and with more chutzpah and less shame. 

Besides drunks, I have had the honor of sitting next to bitchy little teenage gay guys who lisp loudly into their cell phones. Old ladies with whooping cough. Girls who can be no older than 12, dressed like complete mini-whores, who put their Vans-clad feet up on the back of the seat in front of them. Children whose faces are completely obscured by snot. Young white men who think they are big black men, and attempt to speak "jive" ("Yo, yo, yo, man - that mah SHIT!"). iPod-wearing business men with long, long legs and a clear disgust for the fact that I have the nerve to take up exactly 50% of the bench seating. 

Bus Boyfriend, where have you gone? Please return to remove me from this misery! I don't want you sexually. Hell, I don't even want to talk to you - you can't even discuss the main storyline of a popular novel and you probably don't want to know any more detail about my inner ear and motion sickness. I just want to feel that odd tension again. And I want to smell you. You were my bus sachet, my ego-boosting little bowl of potpourri. Please come back. When you were around, no crackhead could touch me. Due to the ever-so-slight threat that your presence created, my boyfriend nailed me more often and more sincerely than any other time. You made transportation tolerable, you improved my love life. 

If you got a job on the East Side, I forgive you. If you graduated from the UW, I congratulate you. But if you bought a car and now drive yourself downtown, shame on you! Shame! Kyrie Eleison down the road that I must travel. Especially on the bus. Without my Bus Boyfriend.


2. Best. Roommate. Ever.

Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I'm a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York Fucking City. That's right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist.

Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no fucking clue where to live. Honestly, I'm moving there in 3 weeks, so I don't give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub. 

A bit about me: I'm respectful, quiet, clean and I won't bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I'm just like, "Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it's not mine." I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I'll even cook for you. That's right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don't eat meat? That's fucking FANTASTIC! I'll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off. 

I also read a lot. I fucking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shit. I read Tuesdays with Morrie the other day. It's a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart. Do you like movies? I fucking love them. We can watch the shit out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don't have to talk to you at all. It's completely UP TO YOU! 

Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I'll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Fucking Taylor. AWWWWWW SHIT YEA!

A lot of people ask me, "Hey, you're from Alabama. Are you racist?" And, the answer to that question is, no. I'm not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I'm a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That's the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right?

I own almost nothing! I'm driving my car from Alabama to California in which I'll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you'd like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I'm the most considerate person you've ever met. I'm offering to buy you shit already!

Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I'm taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I'll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I'd like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I'm ready to give you money.

sexta-feira, 20 de maio de 2011

Every Car You Chase

(Ih, post que ficou pendurado nos rascunhos desde março. Eu faço destas as vezes).

Amei. AMEI. AMEIIII (não tem como ser mais enfática do que isso na internet, but I really loved) o mashup de Chasing Cars (Snow Patrol) com Every Breath You Take (The Police). Apesar de já existir a tempos (2007) ouvi pela primeira vez domingo passado, no filme Esposa de Mentirinha, com o Adam Sandler e a Jennifer Aniston.

O mashup ficou excelente, uma clássica pesadinha com a batida suave do SP, daquelas músicas de ficar ouvindo e suspirando. "If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lay with me and just forget the world" + batida do The Police, consegue imaginar? Não? Então check it out - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__3McxusO7Y

Mais informações sobre o mashup em Party Ben.

A propósito, o filme é ótimo, risos do início ao fim. Recomendo. Só deu saudades mil do Hawaii e dos garlic breads da Pizza Hut, mas isso a gente resolve loguinho. Hehehe. ;)

quinta-feira, 12 de maio de 2011

Dia das Mães*

"Já que você não está aqui, o que posso fazer é cuidar de mim."

Saudades de ti, todos os dias. Todos os momentos. A dor vai diminuindo com o passar dos anos, acho que fica meio adormecida. Mas tem momentos que ela volta com força e eu fico pensando como seria ter você por perto, não mais uma adolescente problemática e rebelde de 15, mas tudo isso que me tornei aos 27 (ainda rebelde, mas com justa causa). Como você seria? Quando estava aqui era protetora, leoa, paciente, braba, mas sempre amiga. Era linda, vaidosa e dona do maior coração que eu já conheci. E agora mãe? Acho que seríamos grandes amigas, parceiras de shopping, de chá, de comidas naturais, de pilates, de vida.

Te amo. Muito.


*foi dia 08/05, mas deu muitas saudades hoje.

terça-feira, 5 de abril de 2011


Li uma vez num livro da Martha Medeiros a seguinte frase:

"Não importa a idade que temos, há sempre um momento em que é preciso chamar um adulto."

Ontem às 23h liguei pro meu pai pra pedir permissão pra parar de tomar meus antibióticos e antiinflamatórios que estavam me deixando pior do que doente. Eu tenho 27 anos. Poderia simplesmente jogar as caixinhas fora, terminar o tratamento quando bem entendesse mas não, tive que pedir o aval do meu pai. Sei lá, pareceu que ele me dizendo "- Ju, não precisa mais tomar", ia tornar mais seguro eu interromper um tratamento prescrito por um médico. Até porque pais e mães sempre sabem mais. Até mais que médicos. Pelo menos o meu sabe - depois de cinco dias terríveis, amanheci melhor - e ter sido liberada pelo meu pai do resto da cartela de remédios teve muito a ver com isso.

segunda-feira, 14 de março de 2011

RED, Always.

Sendo vermelho a minha cor favorita, não podia deixar de postar isso aqui: CALÇAS VERMELHAS SERÃO HIT NO INVERNO. =) Estou especialmente feliz porque, a um ano atrás, tendo embarcado na onda adolescente das calças color comprei sem pestanejar (uh, old) uma vermelhona skinny que estava prestes a ser aposentada.

A informação veio daqui - descoberto à duas semanas, o Pink About It é um blog que fala sobre fashion trends, e que vale a pena ser seguido.

O último post da @recallage é justamente sobre calças vermelhas - skinny, bright red pants voltando a ativa no inverno.

Vale a pena ler, adicionar aos favoritos e comentar.

domingo, 13 de março de 2011

Me Likey

Tô a séculos pra escrever sobre Trends aqui no blog. Séculos mesmo, sério. É engraçado eu nunca ter mencionado uma das coisas que mais me move na face da Terra - fashion, music, authors e agora, marketing TRENDS. Tendências! Adoro descobrir coisas que serão moda, músicos que prometem mas que ainda estão tocando free em suas hometowns, livros pre best-selling, enfim, coisas das quais uma criatura comum ainda não ouviu falar.

E eu tenho um puta faro bom pra essas coisas, desde sempre. Posso ficar o resto da semana falando sobre as bandas que descobri anos antes de fazerem sucesso, os sapatos esquisitos que eu já usava muito antes de virarem a cabeça da mulherada, até cor de esmalte e raça de cachorro - eu li, recebi um toque, ouvi de um amigo - bah, vai virar mania e tcharan, geralmente um ano depois, there it is.

Eu curto ser única, ser diferente. Não esquisita - diferente do atual. Gosto do futuro. Gosto da idéia de estar 10 minutos na frente de todo mundo (será que isso explica a minha competitividade extrema? Ou a mania de caminhar sempre um passo a frente da pessoa que está ao meu lado?).

Enfim, uma hora eu invisto mais nesse assunto. Só queria deixar a dica de um site que eu sou apaixonada e que tem sido muito útil da construção do meu TCC, o trendwatching.com. Se não tiverem muito tempo pra explorar todo o site, sugiro redirecionar seus esforços de leitura às 11 Consumer Trends 2011. Pra quem é da área de marketing, um post MUITO pertinente sobre o futuro da nossa sociedade de consumo.

That´s it for today folks.

Source: www.trendwatching.com. One of the world's leading trend firms, trendwatching.com sends out its free, monthly Trend Briefings to more than 160,000 subscribers worldwide.